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HOW TO WRITE AN INSULTING LETTER .......
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Dear Mr. Coyle,
It has been bought to my attention that you are the author of a lot of rubbishy mind power and motivational books. I read one and it was utter junk. Your belief system is obviously totally screwed up and I find it surprising that you can live with yourself. Having known you for many years I fully realise that you had an atrocious childhood but this is no excuse for the rubbish you write. There are many children who experienced an upbringing as disgusting as yours but they have actually done something with their lives. So what if you got kicked out of home several times before you were 10. What did you expect after you urinated in the milk bottles the milkman had left on the verandah? And leaving peanut butter smeared on the toilet seat while we had visitors was definitely not funny. And those disgusting stories you told your headmaster about your mother were totally unnecessary. After all nobody is perfect. You clearly blame your upbringing for all your current woes but get over it! Others do! This letter may come as a surprise as you haven't heard from me for many years but that is the way I wanted it. After all who wants to be involved with a pathetic type like you? It puzzles me why individuals like you arenít made illegal and banned from the human race! No doubt when you depart this mortal coil you will end up downstairs to collect your accordion. Which will serve you right. I know you hate accordions.
I sincerely hope your life continues to be dismal and pointless.
Your Mother - Nellie McJerkle
Dear Mrs. McJerkle,
I was interested to note that this is your fourth surname change. I gather your last three husbands died of an unspecified illness. Did you bother to tell any of them about that nasty little secret disease you contracted many years ago? I did hear that somebody keeps drawing a Black Widow spider on your front fence. But I suppose you'd be reluctant to call the Police. I remember my upbringing vividly. In fact I still have horrendous nightmares about it. I distinctly recall our kind hearted neighbor Robert who used to splint my broken bones after your drunken "mild chastisement" sessions. Did he ever find out that it was you who microwaved his two pet cats?
I vividly remember the way you used to encourage me to play on the main road during peak hour traffic. With cars swerving to miss me I can recall two bad traffic collisions. I remember you thought that was funny. But you stopped that stupidity after the police locked you up for a weekend. What ever happened to that pet Tasmanian Devil you had? The one that used to bite our shovels in half. No wonder you had to keep in on a thick steel wire leash. I seem to recall that the police shot it after it bit a visitorís leg off. Unfortunately the visitor was from the childrenís social welfare department. That took a lot of explaining didnít it? Of course it didnít help that you were pissing yourself laughing all during the police interview.
At least we always had plenty of money no doubt acquired when you used to swim out to American troop ships to entertain their sailors. Do you still sleep with your mouth open and drool all over your pillow. I heard a couple of your male customers comment on this. Apparently quite disgusting. What you think of my books doesnít matter to me. Iím surprised you remain sober enough to actually read. I recall that you used to read a lot of comics, probably because they were easier to understand and required less working brain cells.
I concluded years ago that you were not only a waste of space but also an insult to Einsteinís theory of relativity and living proof that Darwinís theory of evolution was a non-valid concept.
Your Son - James
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