THE ALIEN’S GUIDE TO PLANET EARTH - THE BOOK
The sequel (Book-2) is now also available. See bottom of this page for details -
The Aliens guide was originally published on Kindle as four separate volumes. They have all been combined into this book with two brand new volumes (extended chapters) added.
Bakir Breezlebob was one of the first generation Mammarians to migrate to earth but he had to adopt a human form to fit it with earth society. Which was why he chose a very common earth
name of course. He arrived as a tourist 2000 years ago but due to a union dispute between spacecraft pilots and management he got temporarily stranded. The dispute is not yet resolved. He
has been married 78 times and claims he has women nearly figured out. This book starts by explaining how he adjusted to Earth conditions then goes on to describe a number of his marriages
in a highly humorous manner.
The biggest drawback he found was that he was unable to lick his own back and other body parts so he had to do these shower and bath things that kept earthlings from attracting flies.
But after 2000 years of living here he felt this was a small price to pay.
It all started with an intergalactic love affair between the planet of Mammary in the Milky Way and the bovine cows on planet earth. Mammary females have four udders and they were
terribly upset to discover some 2000 years ago that cows only had one udder. This they felt was grossly unfair and a committee was formed to redress this anomaly. It was decided that
as Mammary had oceans filled with milk (instead of salt water) then they would transfer at midnight each night a top-up to all of earth's cows so by one minute past midnight all earth
cows would have full udders. This was achieved by a sort of intergalactic email attachment which of course explains why we see so many cows in internet cafes these days updating
their email addresses so they don't miss out!
As everyone knows Mammarians take the form of large, slimy, wobbly purple tubes. The female is slightly larger in diameter so that reproduction can take place. This is a noisy loathsome
affair, even to Mammarians and it would be totally unacceptable on earth.
Bakir Breezlebob had got used to this human form and found it particularly handy when changing light bulbs which of course Mammarians can't do.
They have to employ technicians from a nearby moon which causes problems because these entities do not understand electricity and usually electrocute themselves.
....... "Possibly the best comedy material I have ever read. This author is unique!"
....... "This book is comedy fantasy at its best. One of the most entertaining reads I've had in years! But don’t read it unless you have a sense of humour!”
....... "There were a few one-liners in this that made me laugh so hard it hurt. This is not for the "science-minded" or staid or serious person. It is pure fun. More, Mr. Coyle! More"!
...........Bakir was concerned that as his age advanced he might become senile as earthlings do. Apparently senile people walked into a supermarket and squeezed tomatoes to see how
hard they were. And if they were really senile they squeezed eggs which became a little expensive after a while. He had lots of friends who told him things like this and who were always
very kind to him. He
was of course highly appreciative and always blessed them in the traditional
Mammarian manner by hoping out loud that their camels never suffered from
...........He became fascinated with earth infants and took great delight in watching them develop. Of course Mammarian infants were not born, hatched, cloned or issued as punishment by
the enemy as some earthlings were. They evolved naturally from the basic purple state which is as pure as you can get and the envy of all other galactic races. This small group of unfortunate
earthlings were at a
serious disadvantage in life and usually ended up employed as 1-star reviewers
for various e-book companies. Which will explain a lot to authors who are
..........Bakir was always amused by the antics of earth politicians. He felt that they all suffered from political wackerism. As everyone knows a political wacker is a politician who, in the
privacy of his own
shower, reserves the right to wash his body as fast as he likes, while using
the oppositions soap.............
..........He was walking home late one night past the coliseum when this hairless yapping critter started barking at his heels. He threw stones at it but it kept coming back. Then he threw
sticks but the critter
returned them. So this creature followed Bakir home and eventually moved inside
with him. A few months later he married her so that was how it all
............Later on he met a group of missionaries who had travelled as far as New Zealand but they were somewhat disillusioned as half of their team had been eaten by the locals.
quite wisely decided to leave his visit there for a couple of hundred years
until the locals had had a good feed................
….It took Bakir a long while to figure it out. This knife and fork business was strange. On his home planet of Mammary the purple tubes merely stuck one end of the tube in the food
and sucked furiously. Of course you had to remember which end of the tube was for sucking because the other end was for blowing. Most adult tubes got this right but of course the
youngsters got tangled at
times and produced disgusting results…....
……..Earth society had successfully developed crime to a very high level and Bakir felt they should be awarded an intergalactic certificate in appreciation of their endeavours. I mean
where else could you
go to get successfully robbed, mugged and sexually assaulted…… all in one
……..Bakir suddenly decided to go on vacation to Earth, which was about as far away from problems as anyone could get. In fact it was so far away that the space crew had to pack 5
years supply of cut lunches in the freezer. It was a long trip even at 10,000 times the speed of light. And it was dead boring with all those planets flashing past like fence posts on a fast
horse. Fortunately the Mammarians had a neat board game which turned out to be a super evolved type of chess and each game lasted over 6 months. They used small furry critters as
chessmen and this worked well until one of the critters would let out a rebel yell and rush off to the bathroom. The onboard food didn’t always agree with them……..
........ Just for a laugh Bakir thought he would attend one of the meetings in Brisbane of the main local Sci-Fi fan club. As he was a new member he was asked to stand up and introduce
himself to the 200 odd
existing members who were well into the wine and beer and weren’t too sober
His talk went like this:
…….. “Hi, I’m Bakir Breezlebob and I come from a planet on the other side of the Milky Way.”
(The whole audience clapped because it was nice to have one of their own among them.)
………. “I came in a starship and the journey should have taken 3 of your weeks but we had engine problems so it took us 50 years.”
At this point one of the audience inquired if it was the negatron plasma flux generator that had played up.
……… “No, it was a faulty spark plug and we didn’t have any spares.”
Of course the whole audience immediately felt an empathy here and shook their heads knowingly as it was obviously stupid to start an intergalactic journey without spares.
……. “But we eventually made it and my wife and I are very happy to be here among fellow aliens.”
This quite naturally drew spontaneous applause which made Bakir feel quite good.
………. “We’ve been sent by the intergalactic federation to give you earthlings a seriously profound message.”
The whole audience went suddenly silent and leaned forward in their chairs to hear the most important message ever delivered to the human race. This was obviously going to be a traumatic
event and the
excitement level became so high that two members immediately dropped dead from
………. “The message from the intergalactic federation is….. ‘GET STUFFED’...... which I don’t personally understand but you earthlings might.”
The audience looked alternately confused, insulted and enlightened. In the finish their faces lit up in awe. I mean how many humans were privileged to receive such a profound personalized
message? This Bakir
fellow was obviously sent down to sort things out, more or less the same way
that Moses came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments.
It was a dramatic occasion and the audience immediately doubled their alcohol intake in a frenzy of wild celebration. The two corpses were quietly removed and dumped outside in an
alleyway alongside the
brothel next door where people expect this sort of reaction from older over-excited
Bakir of course was delighted with this response and decided to rave on further.
……. “The federation says that you must sort your affairs out, rationalize your behaviour and eat less pizza”.
This naturally sent the audience into wild spasms of delight as a lot of them found pizza too greasy anyway.
……. “We have been sent to give you these vital messages partly because they are of critical importance to the human race but mainly because we had a lot of spare time anyway
with nothing else to do.”......................................
The sequel is now also available –
THE ALIEN’S GUIDE TO PLANET EARTH-BOOK-2
HOMEPAGE - http://www.mindtech.com.vu/